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2nd-Dec-2006 11:19 pm - Thoughts for today...
So I've decided that I'm a complete loser. All I ever do is sit at home by myself and do nothing. And it sucks. Why can't I ever be normal? Why can I ever be fun? Maybe someone was right when they said I didn't have any friends. Why do I even bother anymore? Nothing is ever going to change. Things always stay the same for me. I'm always miserable and lonely. I'm always bitchy and depressed. Maybe I should just give up completely.
18th-Nov-2006 06:34 pm - I'm done..
No matter what I seem to do, I'm always the bad guy. So why bother trying anymore?
15th-Nov-2006 06:50 pm(no subject)
GRRRR!!! Why is it that everyone wants me to bend over backwards to make them freakin happy? What about me?? Who's gonna do that for me?? Who's gonna listen to me when I need to bitch or cry or jump for fuckin joy?? NOBODY! That's who. I'm so sick of everybody giving me a damn guilt trip because I'm putting me first for once. Yet again, I end up doing whatever it is that they want just to make them fuckin happy and myself even more miserable. Do they seriously not understand that I HATE my life and everything that has to do with it (not the people, just the situations)? Do they not get that I don't want to do this anymore? Going to sleep and never, ever waking up sounds a hell of a lot better than dealing with this shit anymore. If you want something from me from now on, TOO FUCKING BAD! I'm done catering to everyone else's needs when nobody wants to even acknowledge mine. I'm done going through this thing called life alone. If you want to be my friend, ACT LIKE IT. Show it. Prove it. Don't guilt trip me into doing shit because you like to manipulate people. Don't tell me you want me to be happy and then accept it when I say I'll do it when you know its making my life pure hell. I mean.. damn. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES!!!!! Fuck this shit.. now I'm all pissed and need a cigarette.
27th-Oct-2006 10:01 pm - Wtf?
Seriously...do people think I'm completely ignorant? I mean damn! Don't tell me you want to come over because you want to see me, but in the same convo ask me about having sex with you. I'm not fuckin stupid. I know what you want the second you start talking to me. Its the same thing...EVERY FUCKIN TIME!! Get a new damn game or find someone else to try to play it on... I don't have the patience. GRRRRR!!!
16th-Oct-2006 09:54 pm - Blah!
I think I've finally come to the conclusion that no matter what I do, I'm never going to find happiness. It doesn't matter if I'm searching for it or if I wait for it to find me... its NEVER going to happen. All I'm good for is sex. I'm not good enough for anything else. I'll never be good for anything else. I'm not "girlfriend material". I've never actually been told that, but why else would I ALWAYS be single? And always be used for sex? I hate feeling used and I know for a fact that I don't want just a fuck buddy. So why do I always end up settling for one? I guess its just because I'd rather have the wrong kind of attention than none at all. I just don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me..at all! I just want to be happy with my life. Is that so wrong? O well..back to pretending everything's just peachy and I'm ok. Maybe someday I'll be able to do it for real and not have to fake it..
4th-Oct-2006 09:17 pm - Here we go again..
I don't think there is anything I can say or do to make anyone understand me. All I want to do anymore is cry. That's it. Just curl up into a ball and cry. And honestly, I don't even have a reason as to why I want to do this. Maybe its because I just want to be loved. I want to be wanted. Maybe its just because I am tired of being who I am. I mean, hell, I joined Gold's Gym to try to make myself healthier and get in shape. I even signed up to work with a trainer. (Which is NOT cheap at all.. but its the only way I'll do it.) But so far, all I feel is fatter and uglier. All the guys at the gym look at me like I have a million heads because I'm not this tiny lil thing with huge tits. Well excuse me for being fat! The only people at the gym that make me feel like its ok to be myself and who want to help me are 2 of the trainers. Jeff and David.. (Jeff is a complete hottie, btw) And hell, for all I know, they're just doing it because they are paid to. I dunno. Maybe they are just generally nice guys, maybe not. BLAH!! I just want to be ok with who I am..no, I want to be happy with who I am and I have no clue how to get there. I almost want to cry when I see people's reactions, well, their eyes really, when I say I'm working with a trainer. It almost seems like they are waiting impatiently for me to fail. How am I suppose to be able to do anything when all I feel and sense is that I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm never going to be able to do what I plan to do. O well.. that's life, right? Guess I'll have to figure out someway to make it through before I end up hurting myself again...

4th-Oct-2006 09:15 pm - I want..
I want to be beautiful
Not cute, not pretty..
I want to be happy
Not content, not ok..
I want to be loved
Not liked, not approved of..
I want to be different
Not me, not normal..
I want to be exciting
Not boring, not plain..
I want to be remembered
Not forgotten, not pushed aside..
I want to be appreciated
Not walked on, not taken advantage of..
I want to be anything other than what I am right now, at this very moment.
23rd-Sep-2006 09:12 pm - Blah..
Today's been an up and down sort of day. I've played nice, didn't say anything negative when it came to something that I can't stand. Hell, I was even nice enough to sign my life away to help out a friend. Today just sucks. Even tho I don't care anymore about much of anything, I still feel.. I dunno what word to even use to describe it. Empty? Lonely? Depressed? I dunno.. its some word that I can't even think of. I just feel like crying. I put up this front to the entire world that says I'm fine, I don't need anything, nothing's bugging me. In reality, I just need someone to hold me and make me believe everything's ok. Or that everything will be ok. I'm tired of hurting. I don't even have a reason for hurting. It just sucks that I'm alone all the time. I can be in a full room and still feel like I'm standing in the middle of no where by myself. It sucks. I shouldn't feel this way, but everytime anyone says they're going to do this or that with their "someone" I want to curl up into a ball and cry. Why can't I find anybody who wants me? What's wrong with me? Am I that hideous? Am I that much of a bitch? Am I too fat to be wanted or loved? What is it? I seriously don't get it. People tell me there's nothing wrong with me, but honestly... there's gotta be something. There's a reason why I hate myself. There's a reason why I hurt myself the way I do. I've never been shown by anyone (except family and those I consider family) that I matter. That I'm wanted. That I'm appreciated (ok so that one is hard to come by even from family). Blah.. I'm gonna go watch a sappy movie and cry myself to sleep now..
19th-Sep-2006 06:07 pm - Yep
So I'm tired of being bored all the time and I need to do it anyway, so I think I'm gonna join Gold's Gym tonight. I filled out something for a "free VIP membership" (bullshit if you ask me) and some guy from there called me last night saying my name was the one they drew. Yeah.. like I'm stupid enough to believe that you didn't just go through all the slips and tell everybody the same damn thing.. lol So I'm gonna go check it out tonight at 7. I need to work my fat,lazy ass out. Maybe that'll help me feel better? I hope so.. I'm tired of feelin like shit.
17th-Sep-2006 02:25 am - I figured it out...
I think I've finally figured out. Why I feel so shitty.. why I'm such a bitch to the people I love. I can't stand to do it, but it always happens. I can't stand to be alone while everyone around me is finding happiness and love. It hurts so bad to know that one minute my friends are there, hanging out with me, noticing that I exist and the next minute.. I'm all alone. Again. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm told that it'll never happen. It happens time and time again. Its not that I'm jealous, because I want nothing but happiness for everyone in my life. Its just that I want to find the same thing and its never going to happen. I don't want to say that I've accepted that, because I don't think anyone ever can, but its becoming the reality that I live everyday. And its getting harder and harder to smile when all I feel like doing is crying. I dunno what to do to fix myself. I don't think there is anything in my power that can be done.
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